


5 Times JJ Had to Grin and Bear it + the 1 Time JJ Snapped

by shetookyourbreathaway



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F, GNC JJ, and jj has so much internalized rage, jj is also nonbinary, men are trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:15:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29166294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shetookyourbreathaway/pseuds/shetookyourbreathaway
Summary: “I’m strong, right? They know that I’m strong!” JJ demanded of Emily, pacing their joint hotel room later that night. “I’m capable. I can do my job! And they just… stood there and let the officers essentially tell me I wasn’t even capable of climbing into a ditch! All because they thought I was a girl.”
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 7
Kudos: 140





	5 Times JJ Had to Grin and Bear it + the 1 Time JJ Snapped

**Author's Note:**

> I have realized that all of my GNC/nonbinary JJ (I haven't really formally differentiated between the two) fics could all conceivably be in the same universe, so if you wanted to read them all... they would fit together.

1

JJ had her media liaison monologue down to a polished piece of performance art. Walking ahead of the team, she strode into the Montana precinct, greeting the local officer with a firm handshake.

“Jennifer Jareau,” she introduced herself, with an authority that was complemented by a friendly, non-threatening smile. “We spoke on the phone. These are agents Hotchner and Reid. Our other agents went directly to the crime scene. Where would you like us to set up?” 

“ _ You’re _ agent Jareau?” The sheriff looked surprised, giving JJ a very obvious once-over, still shaking her hand as his eyes lingered just a second too long on the spot where her white blouse gave way to the slightest hint of cleavage. 

“Yes,” JJ assured the sheriff through the teeth of her now-forced smile. She had  _ this _ down to an art, too. “We spoke on the phone when I granted your request for our team’s presence here. Where would you like us to set up? We don’t require much. Just a quiet corner and a bulletin board, if you wouldn’t mind?” She raised the pitch of her voice at the end of her sentence, phrasing her request as a question as she tried to extract her hand from the cop’s sweaty grip.

“Of course, of course, yes,” the sheriff replied distractedly, finally dropping her hand to gesture behind him, but kept his gaze uncomfortably fixated on the blonde in front of him. “There’s a conference room back there you can use. It’s fully set up with a table, some boards, and a coffee machine.” 

“Great, thanks.” Hotch barely spared the sheriff a second glance as he brushed by the officer, Reid scrambling behind him with a box of files in his arms, leaving JJ standing alone in front of the sheriff who was still looking at her like a hungry dog might look at a piece of meat. 

“Well, if you don’t mind,” JJ began, attempting to sidestep the man to follow Hotch and Reid, “I should really join them. I need to get in contact with…” But the taller man caught her by the forearm.  _ Why is he touching me? _

“I didn’t mean to offend, ma’am,” the sheriff said in a flirty tone that was decidedly unapologetic. “I was just wondering what a pretty lady such as yourself is doing, working for the FBI.” 

JJ forced herself to take a deep breath, the air feeling like fire in her lungs as her hands clenched, driving her fingernails into her palm. The pin pricks of pain were enough to steady her.  _ It wouldn’t do to go making enemies of the locals this early in an investigation, even the misogynistic, condescending… _

“None taken,” she assured him with a weak smile, extracting her arm from his grip. Even as she walked away, JJ could feel the man’s eyes on her, and she found herself suddenly, desperately wishing she hadn’t worn the tight suit pants that made her butt look good, or the lower-cut blouse that Emily liked so much.  _ I’m not your, or anyone’s, pretty lady. _

“There’s information missing here,” Hotch announced, scanning the file in front of him with a deeply furrowed brow. JJ looked up from her own file, rubbing tiredly at her temples. It had long since grown dark, and, while Morgan and Reid were out hunting down a potential secondary location, JJ, Emily, and Hotch were stuck poring over records of all local crimes in the five years preceding the first murder. Hotch was right; it did seem like the precinct was withholding information. 

“It certainly looks like it,” Emily agreed, holding up a manilla file with one singular piece of paper in it. “Where is the rest of this case for one?”

“I’ll see what I can do,” JJ promised wearily, moving to stand. Most of the precinct was dark, officers having long gone home for the night, but the light in the sheriff’s office was still on.  _ Great, the last person I wanted to deal with right now.  _

_ Stay calm and use it to your advantage,  _ JJ reminded herself, knocking lightly on the office door. The sheriff glanced up from his computer screen, looking annoyed until he noticed JJ standing in the doorway, at which point his expression morphed into something resembling delight.  _ Ew. _

“Ah, Miss Jareau, please come in.” He gestured to the empty chair in front of his desk. JJ stepped into his office, standing in front of his desk and fighting to keep her face pleasant.

“We’re having trouble with some of the case photocopies,” she explained, forcing herself to flash him an apologetic smile. “Would you mind if I took a look at the originals, down in your storage room?” 

“Miss, I really can’t…”

“I’m a trained agent,” JJ reminded him none-too-gently, before forcing herself to drop into a sweeter, more placating tone, and -  _ god help her _ \- batting her eyes at the man. “Please? My boss is giving me grief, and they’re not really going to let me do much else until I get this sorted out. Couldn’t you let me take just a little look around?” The sheriff took a long look at her, and JJ made a point to lean over his desk a little, clenching her jaw as his eyes dropped to her cleavage, not even bothering to hide the direction of his lecherous gaze.

“Please?” JJ tried again, “I would really appreciate it.”

“Oh… I… well, okay then,” the sheriff relented, passing JJ an old, greasy key. 

“Thanks,” JJ replied grimly, letting her voice drop to her normal timbre as she immediately straightened and whirled to leave. There was a small, sardonic part of her that wanted to laugh as she saw the sheriff slump back in his chair, looking confused by what had just occurred. 

By the time they finally returned to the hotel past midnight, JJ felt dirty. Not just from the fine layer of dust and grime that covered every file in the precinct’s storage room that she had rifled through, but also from the way she had gotten them access to that room. 

The feeling of the sheriff’s predatory gaze stayed with her, making her want to claw her skin off in disgust, his constant platitudes of “pretty lady,” and “ma’am,” and “miss” echoing in her mind.  _ And I played into it, let him stare, fuck, I even flirted with the man _ . She shuddered at the thought, stomach knotting in self-hatred and white hot anger.

The second she and Emily entered their hotel room, JJ started stripping off her clothes, muttering something about needing a shower under her breath, leaving her very confused girlfriend standing in the bedroom as she closed herself in the bathroom. Turning the water temperature as hot as it would go, JJ let herself simply stand under the stinging spray, trying to stop her hands from shaking. She wanted to scream. She wanted to punch the shower wall.

_ That will only earn you a broken hand _ , JJ reminded herself, forcing herself to pick up the soap instead. She scrubbed roughly at her skin over and over again, long after the true grime was gone, trying to remove the soul-deep disgust, the stain of unwanted eyes on her. It wasn’t until the water started to cool, and her skin was pink and raw and irritated, that JJ finally exited the shower. 

Emily was already curled up in bed reading a book, looking soft and cozy in a hoodie and a pair of sleep shorts. She glanced up to see JJ standing in the doorway of the steam-filled bathroom, and her sharp eyebrows furrowed in concern. 

“Baby? What’s…”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” JJ cut Emily off softly, but with no room for debate in her voice.

“Okay,” Emily agreed easily as JJ slipped into an oversized NASCAR shirt and a pair of boxer briefs before curling into a tight ball on the hotel bed, her back to her girlfriend. Emily put her book down on the nightstand, slowly sliding closer to JJ and reaching out one tentative hand.

“Can I-” Emily stopped herself before actually putting her hand on JJ’s shoulder. “Would it be okay if I held you, Jayje?” JJ inhaled deeply, curling tighter into herself, all of her muscles clenching before she forced herself to exhale slowly, unspooling herself from the tight ball she had been, releasing her arms from around her legs and dropping her shoulders down from where they had been up by her ears. 

“Yeah,” JJ conceded quietly, “I’d like that.” Reaching out to switch off the light, Emily molded herself around JJ’s back, draping a light arm over the blonde’s waist, and pressing the softest of kisses to the nape of JJ’s neck. 

“I love you, you know that, right?” Emily whispered into the darkness of the hotel room. JJ exhaled sharply and then rolled over to tuck her head under Emily’s chin, against the older woman’s chest. Emily wrapped her arms tightly around the firm muscles of JJ’s waist as she felt a few stray tears dampen the front of her hoodie. 

“I love you too,” JJ whispered into the crook of Emily’s neck, so quietly as to almost be inaudible. 

JJ was in no way ready to face the day when the alarm went off less than six short hours later. She buried her head deeper into Emily’s sweatshirt and groaned as the persistent buzz of the alarm grew louder. It was only when the electronic buzzing became unbearable that JJ forced herself to sit up out of the warm, comforting cradle of Emily’s arms to turn the alarm off and switch the light on. 

“Good morning.” 

JJ pressed a quick kiss to Emily’s forehead as the raven-haired woman’s eyelids fluttered open. As she walked into the bathroom, JJ squared her shoulders, exhaling and mentally preparing herself for the day ahead. Washing her face and brushing her teeth robotically, JJ covered the bags under her eyes with concealer and threw her hair up into a tight ponytail before going to get dressed. To her own dismay, due to the rapid-fire pace of cases they had been on recently, her clean clothing options were severely limited, and JJ found herself looking at tight pencil skirts and cute blouses with disgust. 

“Hey Emily, can I borrow like… a turtleneck and a pair of pants?” JJ called across the room.

“Sure, I guess, no problem.” Emily popped her head out of the door of the hotel bathroom. “Any reason?”

“I just don’t like anything I have packed.” JJ shrugged, her words muffled as she pulled Emily’s navy blue turtleneck over her head. Rifling deeper into her girlfriend’s bag, JJ grinned as she found a pair of Emily’s black cargo pants folded at the bottom of Emily’s bag.  _ Jackpot _ . 

Tucking the turtleneck into the pants, JJ gave herself a quick once-over, steeling her spine and sliding her poker face into place. 

“Okay, baby, what’s going on?’ Emily slid her arms around JJ’s waist, looking at her in the mirror. JJ opened her mouth to protest, but Emily continued, “Come on, it doesn’t take a profiler to tell something is bothering you. You were so upset last night, you practically burned your skin off in the shower, and now, getting ready this morning, you look like you’re getting ready to march off to war or something. Also,” Emily punctuated her statement with a peck on JJ’s cheek and a playful tap on her butt, “not that you don’t look great in my clothes, but…”

“The sheriff,” JJ admitted with a small sigh. “He was... You weren’t there when we arrived yesterday, but he was just… looking at me like I was just some piece of ass.

“He wouldn’t stop staring at my chest, and neither he nor any of his officers would take me seriously! I  _ worked  _ to be here. I know I don’t go out into the field as much, and I’m not as experienced…”

“Stop with that,” Emily scolded her gently. “You are strong, and smart, and qualified in every way. You and I both know that we have seen many, many cases that the team could not have solved if it wasn’t for you. You  _ save lives, _ Jayje. And if a couple of idiots in bumfuck…” 

“But I  _ played into it _ , Emily!” JJ shook her head, almost violently. “When we needed access to those files last night, I went into his office, and.... God help me, Emily, I  _ flirted _ with the man.

“I played small and meek and  _ let _ him look down my shirt without slapping him so we could get what we needed! And that’s gross and repulsive and morally wrong, and I can’t even believe I did it. I hate that I did it!”

“Hey, hey,” Emily hushed her, stepping between JJ and the mirror to wrap the blonde in her arms. “It’s okay. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of sometimes, but you were doing it for all the right reasons, baby. We are so much closer to catching a killer today because…” 

“And he kept calling me ‘miss’ and ‘ma’am’ and a ‘pretty lady’!” JJ wasn’t finished saying her part. “And I just… I don’t want him to  _ look _ at me, and I don’t want  _ anyone _ telling me how ‘pretty’ I am, and I’m  _ sick _ of being just ‘some little lady’! That’s not me, Emily, I don’t want it to be.”

“Of course you’re not,” Emily agreed, reaching up to stroke JJ’s hair soothingly. “You’re a strong, competent,  _ handsome _ agent, who I am so lucky to get to share my clothes with.” The last part of Emily’s compliment drew the barest of chuckles from JJ, some of the storm clouds leaving her eyes. 

“Why didn’t you tell Hotch?” Emily wondered out loud.

“I didn’t want him to….It’s not that big of a deal,” JJ protested. “He has so many other things to worry about, and I can handle it. It’s part of my job.”

“Being sexually harassed is not part of your job!” Emily protested in disbelief. 

“It’s not… Okay, yeah, I guess it kind of is harassment,” JJ relented, “but I also haven’t talked to him about… I mean, how do I explain why being called ‘lady’ bothers me so much?” 

“You don’t have to talk to him about gender stuff if you’re not ready, Jayje,” Emily reassured her, “but this is a respect thing, first and foremost.” 

“Let’s just catch this son of a bitch who’s killing these women so we can go home.” JJ shook her head, her voice sounding lifeless.

“I… okay,” Emily surrendered, catching the steely look in JJ’s eye. 

_ This was not an argument she was going to win today, but she would keep working on it, keep pushing JJ to stop putting her needs second to everyone else’s and ask for the respect she deserves.  _

2

“I am so sorry for your loss, Ms. Miller.” JJ placed her hand on the sobbing woman’s shoulder. “I know nothing I could say or do would make this situation okay, but I will promise that we are and will continue to do everything we can to catch the man responsible for your husband’s death.” The older woman’s knees were starting to give out, so JJ gently wrapped her arm around Ms. Miller’s torso, and guided her towards the couch, allowing her to collapse heavily against the cushions.

“Is there anything I can do for you? Someone I can call? You shouldn’t be alone right now.”

“My…” the woman hiccuped. “My phone is in the kitchen. My sister’s number is on there. I…”

“I’ll get it,” JJ asserted easily, rising from the couch, “and why don’t I get you a glass of water while I’m there?” All Ms. Miller could manage was a nod in between the dry sobs ripping their way out of her throat. Glad to find something she could do to help, no matter how small, JJ hurried into the kitchen, grabbing the cell phone off the counter and filling a glass of water at the sink. 

Putting the phone and glass down on the coffee table, JJ crouched next to the shaking, teary-faced woman. Her sobs hadn’t subsided. In fact, they had grown more hysterical, and she seemed on the verge of hyperventilation. JJ crouched in front of her, putting both hands lightly on her knees.

“Okay,” she began, in a low soothing voice, “I need you to focus on your breathing for me. That’s all you need to think about right now. We’ll deal with everything else in a minute. Take a deep breath in. There you go… Okay, now let it out slowly... Nice. We’re just going to keep doing that, okay? Another deep breath in… and out. Just focus on the sound of my voice, the feeling of the couch. There you go, another deep breath in… and back out. I know it feels like the world is ending right now, but you will get through this.” Ms. Miller took a shaky breath, looking at JJ with red-rimmed eyes.

“Are you married?” she asked, and JJ shook her head. “Then how could you know that?”

“Ms. Miller, I know I can’t possibly understand the exact pain you’re going through right now, but I’ve dealt with loss many times... Another deep breath, good, and it may not ever go away, but it will get easier. I know this is a hard time, and everything seems overwhelming right now, but there are resources I can put you in touch with…” JJ was cut off by a cry coming from upstairs.

“That’s my daughter,” Ms. Miller sighed. “Sophie. She’s only one and a half. She… I… Oh, she won’t understand why her dad is gone!” The woman broke down in a fresh round of sobs. 

“I’ve got it,” JJ reassured her, seeing that the new widow was in no shape to get off the couch, nevermind soothe a crying baby. Climbing the stairs, she followed the sound of crying to a nursery and a red-faced toddler standing in a crib. 

“Hey Sophie,” JJ crooned softly, moving to scoop the crying child out of the crib and placing the baby on her hip, bouncing her lightly up and down. “It’s going to be okay. Shhh… There you go. Take a deep breath. My name is JJ, and I’m just coming to take you downstairs to your mama.” The little girl buried her face in JJ’s shirt as she continued to cry, soaking the material with snot and tears. Reaching up to rub gentle circles on the toddler’s back, JJ paced around in circles, humming a nonsensical song under her breath.

After a few minutes, the toddler’s cries slowed, and she pulled her face out of JJ’s shirt, looking up at her in surprise. 

“There you are!” JJ smiled at her. “I know it was a rude awakening, but I’ve got you now, see?” Finding a box of tissues, JJ carefully wiped off Sophie’s face as she continued to bounce the baby on her hip and rub slow circles on her back. 

“You have such pretty curls,” JJ told her softly, beginning to walk them both back downstairs. “They look a lot like my sister’s when she was little. I lost her too, so I can promise you that you’ll make it through to the other side of this. Listen, your mama just got some very upsetting news, so you need to be extra good for her, okay?” 

When they reached the landing, JJ scooped the little girl up off her hip, and settled Sophie onto her shoulders, adding a purposeful bounce to her step, so the toddler was jarred around a little as they continued to the living room. By the time the two of them rounded the corner, the little girl was giggling on JJ’s shoulders and tugging lightly at her hair. 

Ms. Miller looked up as they entered the room, hastily wiping her tears away. Her eyes brightened marginally at the sound of her daughter’s joy. JJ crouched next to the couch, sliding the little girl off her shoulders and depositing her on her mother’s lap.

“More! More!” Sophie laughed, clapping her hands gleefully, managing to bring the smallest of smiles to the widow’s face. JJ shook her head, sticking her tongue out and booping the toddler’s nose gently with one finger. The toddler giggled again, and JJ smiled right back, running her hand gently through the little girl’s hair. 

“Alright, miss Sophie, you remember what I told you, right? You’ve got to be good for your mama during this difficult time, okay?” She looked up at Ms. Miller. “But you’ll both be okay. You can make it through this.” Standing, JJ went to go search through her coat pockets.

“I’m going to give you a list of resources you can use, as well as my card; you can call me anytime, and I’ll make sure you get the support you need, okay?”

“Thank you.” Ms. Miller looked up from her daughter to meet JJ’s eyes. “You’re really good with her, you know that?”

“Thanks,” JJ said with a smile, extending a hand with the cards and information. 

“She’s not usually that comfortable with strangers, and you even got her to laugh… You’re going to be an amazing wife and mother someday, sweetheart.” JJ’s smile grew a little more forced, even though she knew the compliment was genuine. 

“Will your sister be here soon?” she enquired.

“Yes, she’s already on her way.” The widow nodded, a calmer air of sorrow settling about her.

“Great.” JJ granted her a soft smile, pulling on her coat and her professional demeanor again. “We’ll be in touch, and again, please reach out if you need anything at all, Ms. Miller.”

Shaking her hand, JJ exited the house and sat heavily in the front seat of the FBI Escapade, pulling the door shut with a loud slam behind her. 

Seeing the havoc and the wreckage that one violent individual could wreak on so many others’ lives was never easy, and would never get easier, she was sure, but it was Ms. Miller’s comment that kept echoing in her mind.

“ _ You’re going to be an amazing wife and mother. _ ” It was meant as a sincere compliment in her ability to comfort and care for others, JJ knew, but it still felt… uncomfortable.  _ Is that all people see me as? Is that all they think I’m meant to be? _

She knew she wanted to be a parent eventually, and was even more sure that she wanted to put a ring on Emily’s finger someday soon, but... “wife” and “mother”? _ People don’t say that in the same way that they say “father” or “husband;” they say it as… a personality trait, a subservient role. Someone who is only there to be soft, and loving, and supportive. _

JJ frowned, slumping against the leather seats.  _ Just because I have love to give doesn’t make me soft, or weak, or… female. _

_ I’m not just a wife or a mother, or a placeholder for someone else. I am a person. I am my own person who is so much more than just that. I’m not just a supporting role in other people’s lives. _

3

“Well, he certainly has a type,” Morgan observed grimly, looking over the smiling faces on the board in front of him. “Pretty, blonde, mid- to late-20’s.”

“He finds them at clubs,” Spencer added, “which all fall in this two-mile comfort zone in downtown Phoenix.” He circled the area on the map.

“And judging by his time table, he’ll most likely strike again within the next 36 hours,” Emily chimed in somberly. 

“So, what identifying details do we have on him?” Hotch enquired, looking around the room.

“Not enough.” Morgan shook his head. “If we don’t find something, and fast, he’s going to do the same thing-” he gestured at the crime scene photos, “-to another girl.” 

“Kind of creepy how much they kind of look like JJ, huh?” Spencer mused, staring idly at the board. Hotch’s eyes snapped into focus, thoughts clearly turning over in his head.

“ _ No _ ,” Emily snapped, “absolutely not, Hotch. You can’t ask that of JJ.”

“Ask me to do what?” JJ had chosen that moment to enter the room with an armful of paperwork, and found herself confronted by four pairs of eyes all assessing her with varying levels of fear, anger, and interest. “What’s going on? Did something happen?”

“How would you feel about going…” Hotch began.

“No,  _ no! _ ” Emily interrupted. “You can’t just use JJ as  _ bait _ for this guy, Hotch! You’ve seen what he does to them!” 

“I wasn’t asking for your permission, Emily. As team leader,  _ I _ make the decision about whether it is an acceptable risk...” Hotch’s voice held a dangerous edge.

“I’ll do it,” JJ interrupted, her voice quiet but steady. “Whatever we need to do to catch this guy, right?” 

That was how JJ found herself putting on a dress and a full face of makeup again after she had given up doing both of those things over a year ago. The dress, borrowed from a local officer, was black, skin tight, and so short that it barely covered JJ’s butt. She thanked her lucky stars (who must have some sense of irony) that even though the straps were flimsy and felt like they might slide off her shoulders at any second, at least the dress wasn’t so low cut that she would feel like she was falling out of it on both ends. 

“How do you feel?” Emily walked into the precinct bathroom as JJ was doing her makeup.

“Weird. Uncomfortable.” JJ shrugged, and then went back to putting on eyeshadow. “I didn’t think I would be doing all this again. Kind of reminds me why I stopped wearing dresses and stuff in the first place… This all just feels…  _ wrong _ .” 

“I meant about the assignment,” Emily laughed humorlessly. “You don’t _ have _ to do this, you know.” 

“It’ll be fine, babe,” JJ reassured Emily, pressing a light kiss to her cheek. “I just want to stop this guy before he can hurt anyone else.” She paused, looking at Emily, and then laughed.

“What?” Emily asked, failing to see the humor in the dangerous situation.

“I left lipstick on your cheek!” JJ grabbed a makeup wipe to clean it off. “I’m so not used to being all done up like this anymore, all… girly.” She wrinkled her nose in distaste. “I can’t wait to get out of this stuff.”

_ I hope that’s the worst part about tonight _ , Emily worried as she watched JJ grab her shoes. 

The club was loud and full of people, and JJ felt uncomfortably exposed and out-of-place, standing at the bar without her gun and badge, in a tiny little dress and heels. She felt like a little kid who had been playing dress up with their mom’s clothes and makeup, and she just hoped her discomfort wasn’t terribly obvious. 

“Well, hello there,” a man’s voice purred in her ear, and she practically jumped. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before,” he added, laughing at her surprise. “I think I would remember such a pretty face.”

Internally, JJ flinched, but she dug her fingernails into her palms and forced herself to smile at him, her internal radar immediately lighting up. There was something very off about this guy. 

“What’s such a pretty little girl doing all alone?” the man continued. “You should have a strong man to take care of you.” In any other situation, JJ would have laughed in his face, but she forced herself to swallow her feelings like a lump in her throat.

“And that would be you?” she asked, trying to keep her tone teasing, pretending to bashfully avert her gaze so he wouldn’t see her roll her eyes. 

“It is, princess.” The man reached out to run his hand up and down her forearm, and JJ forced herself to not to yank it away as he continued to talk. “See,  _ females _ these days are so busy trying to act like men that they forget how to be real ladies. You’re the fairer sex; you’re not supposed to be loud and dirty. Sometimes, you just need a real man to remind you how to be a good woman.” 

In her peripheral vision, JJ caught the man slipping a small, white tablet into her soda water before reaching out to sling his arm around her shoulders.  _ That’s a tranquilizer, similar to what the unsub has been using _ , she realized with a start, suppressing a shudder. Very carefully, she faked taking a sip of her drink, trying to make him think he had the advantage.

“Females like you don’t belong out here. I’m going to take you home, and the  _ things _ I can do to you…” The man’s voice dropped into a more aggressive tone, a dark smile spreading across his face as he leaned his face closer to JJ’s. She tried to lean back from the man’s hot breath in her face.

“I’ll show you how to behave,” the man leered, “like all the worthless women before you.” She could feel her skin crawl at his words and his proximity. JJ quickly dropped an arm behind her back, flashing the two finger signal that she hoped to God the rest of the team would catch.  _ This is the unsub _ .

The unsub digging his nails into the skin of her shoulder, JJ could feel her breathing growing tight, her hands balling into fists even as she saw Hotch and Morgan approaching the bar, hands on holsters.  _ Thank god _ . 

“Well, lucky for you, I’m not interested in being a good, pretty little lady,” she told the man in a flat, steady voice. “I’m not even interested in being a woman.” It felt good to shut the unsub down so decisively,  _ but how much of that did Hotch and Morgan hear? _ She couldn’t help but wonder as they cuffed the man to bring him back to the station. 

4

The team knew. After JJ had finished wanting to crawl out of their own skin, they had showered, changed back into a suit, and boarded the jet. Settling into the seat next to Emily, they grabbed her hand for reassurance, feeling on unsteady footing. The memory of the uncomfortable night was still fresh; the skin on the back of their neck was still crawling with the memory of the unsub’s eyes and hot breath on them.

“You can do this,” Emily whispered in JJ’s ear, pressing a soft kiss to their cheek. JJ took a deep breath, stealing their nerves. 

“Hey Hotch?” they called quietly across the aisle.

“What is it?” he asked, not looking from his file. JJ paused, and almost backed out right then. If it hadn’t been for the warm, steadfast weight of Emily’s hand in theirs, they might have.

“I’d rather not do assignments like that again, if it’s all the same to you,” JJ began, choosing their words carefully.

“I know acting as bait is an uncomfortable position to be put in; we won’t do it again unless absolutely necessary,” he assured them. 

“It’s umm… not that.” JJ took a steadying breath.  _ It was now or never.  _ “I’d rather not have to dress up as a woman again, because, well… I’m not really one.” That caught Hotch’s attention, his dark eyes finally leaving his paperwork to bore into JJ’s.

“What?” His even voice cut through the silence that had fallen over the jet. It suddenly felt like all eyes were on JJ, and they squirmed in their seat, gripping Emily’s hand even tighter.

“I’d actually… If you wouldn’t mind, I’d prefer if you would use gender neutral terms and not stick me in women’s roles. I would… It’s a comfort thing.” Hotch looked at them blankly, his eyebrows furrowing even deeper than normal in confusion.

“And a respect thing,” Emily chimed in quietly, rubbing her thumb softly over the back of JJ’s hand. “Asking people to use the correct pronouns isn’t too much to ask, Jayje. It’s okay.” 

“Yeah.” JJ cleared their throat. “I won’t get mad if you still call me she or anything, but I’d prefer they/them pronouns if it’s uh…” They shrugged and lapsed into silence, looking around the jet nervously for the team’s reactions. 

“Actually, gender as we define it is largely determined by societal roles and expectations! Interestingly, many cultures throughout history have recognized those who identify as a third or alternate gender, including by not limited to the…” Spencer was the first to break the silence as he began to ramble excitedly.

“That’s cool, baby girl. Proud of you.” Morgan cut him off, leaning over Hotch to give JJ a fist bump. They suppressed a grimace at the feminine term of endearment.  _ Right spirit, but… Well, they’ll figure it out eventually, right? _

Trekking through ankle-deep mud in the middle of a half-frozen forest looking for dead bodies wasn’t exactly JJ’s idea of a good time. They knew this particular patch of national park was their unsub’s dumping grounds, so in a desperate bid for more information, the whole team, as well as the majority of the local police department, was canvassing the area on foot. Brown leaves covered in frost crunched under JJ’s boots as they hiked up to the top of a rocky ridge, and, breathing out a puff of condensation, they assessed their surroundings. There was a precipitous drop-off to their left into a muddy trench studded with jagged rocks.

“Hey!” JJ called, beckoning to Morgan, Hotch, and the handful of officers nearby. “This could be a great place to hide bodies,” they observed, gesturing to the trench. “I’d be willing to bet not many hikers go down that way for fun.” They grabbed on to the nearest tree branch, swinging their leg over the ledge to start climbing down into the filth. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” the nearest officer protested, reaching out to grab JJ’s arm. “Come on, fellas, let’s not drag such a pretty lady into this. We can do the searching just fine, miss.” 

“I’m perfectly fine, thanks,” JJ replied coolly, extracting their arm from his grip and looking to Morgan and Hotch for backup.  _ Come on, please, say something _ . 

“No really.” Another officer stepped forward. “We can handle this, Miss…?” 

“It’s  _ Agent _ Jareau,” JJ corrected him, digging their nails into their palm in an attempt not to lose their composure, “and I am perfectly capable of handling myself.”

“Nah, darling, come on. This is no place for a lady,” officer #1, Matthew Stant, according to his name tag, agreed. “Come on boys, we’ve got this!” JJ watched in disbelief as Hotch and Morgan joined the swarm of police officers climbing into the muddy trench without them.  _ Yeah, thanks for having my back there, guys.  _ The team knew, and yet, it hadn’t seemed to change anything.

“I’m strong, right? They know that I’m strong!” JJ demanded of Emily, pacing their joint hotel room later that night. “I’m capable. I can do my job! And they just… stood there and let the officers essentially tell me I wasn’t even capable of climbing into a ditch! All because they thought I was a  _ girl _ .” JJ sat heavily on the bed, dropping their head into their hands. “And Morgan and Hotch, they just… watched; they didn’t say anything! I know they might not get it, but do they just not care?”

“I…” Emily sat on the bed next to JJ, wrapping her arm warmly around their shoulders. “I don’t think it’s that they don’t care, baby. I really don’t. I just… I don’t think they realize how much each of those little interactions weigh on you. Every single day.” Emily kissed JJ’s forehead tenderly. “But  _ I _ see it, I see  _ you _ . I see how strong you are and how much you put up with every day with a smile on your face.” 

JJ looked up at Emily, eyes burning with anger through a sheen of unshed tears. “Do they really think so little of me?” they all-but-whispered. 

5

“Hotch?” JJ knocked lightly on the unit chief’s door as they poked their head inside. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” Hotch looked up from the files on his desk with a heavy sigh.

“Sure.” He gestured vaguely for JJ to come in before looking back down at the paperwork in front of him and scribbling his signature on a page. “What is it?”

“I, uh…” JJ cleared their throat, moving to sit on the other side of Hotch’s desk and nervously clasping their hands together. “I thought by disclosing… by coming out… I thought I had made it clear the pronouns and language that I prefer to be used for me. And yes, by this point, I’m accustomed to a certain level of disrespect from the local officers, but when misogyny intersects with a complete lack of respect for my identity… I’ll admit it, it gets to me.” Hotch was still looking at them with a blank, quizzical look.

“I’m asking you to have my back, Hotch!” JJ burst out. “I’m asking for this team to speak up for me when I’m talked down to over and over and  _ over  _ again!” 

“Take a breath, JJ.” Hotch looked unimpressed. “You know better than most that some of the areas we work in might be more conservative in their views, and many simply aren’t as informed as we are in DC. Don’t you think this might be a bit of an overreaction?” His words, as calm and devoid of ill intention as they were, felt like a slap across the face. JJ almost physically recoiled.

“I… I’m sorry?” They couldn’t quite believe Hotch was dismissing them so casually.

“It’s quite alright, JJ.” Hotch had clearly mistaken their confusion for an apology, and just like that, it seemed like the topic had once again been put away without any consideration to JJ’s feelings. They were once again left swallowing their anger and frustration, trying to regulate their breathing and facial expressions, even in front of a member of their own team.

“I think it’s important that you don’t let the occasional comment get to you,” Hotch continued. “Your professional and approachable demeanor is a tremendous asset to this team. Just let it go.” JJ pushed back their chair with a clatter, wrenching themselves onto their feet. 

“Alright then,” they choked out, trying to keep their voice even. “Goodnight, Hotch.” 

JJ didn’t go home. They sat in their dark office, hot tears of frustration streaming silently down their cheeks.  _ So, that’s how it’s going to go _ . For a long time, they simply stared up at the cracks on their shadowy ceiling, taking short, pained breaths and trying to make peace with the conversation they had just had.  _ Maybe I was asking too much, maybe it was too much to hope for. I should know by now that nothing comes easy. _

The clock hit 8 pm, and JJ knew Emily would start to worry if they didn’t come home soon, if she hadn’t already. Dragging themselves to the bathroom, JJ splashed cold water on their face, carefully trying to erase all evidence of tears from their face.  _ I don’t want to burden Emily with this; she already does so much to support me. _ Taking a long, steady breath, they gripped the cool ceramic edge of the sink, examining their face in the mirror.  _ Come on, pull yourself together. Be an asset to your team. _ JJ let out a hollow laugh at that last thought, shaking their head and turning their back on their own reflection.

6

The team had been in Alabama for less than 24 hours, and JJ’s blood was already boiling. The cops on the case had all-but-refused to let them go out to interview a witness with a couple officers, leaving JJ stuck in the precinct reviewing old case files with a bunch of southern “gentlemen” who seemed determined to alternate between hitting on them and calling them every pet name in the book. 

The air conditioning in the building was broken, and JJ could feel droplets of sweat running down their back under their suit jacket, but they were reluctant to shed the jacket and be left in their tight-fitting t-shirt.  _ Just stop looking at me. Stop appraising me like a woman that could be your next conquest. I’m neither. _ Gritting their teeth, JJ took a swig of water and directed their attention back to the file on the desk in front of them. 

“Miss?” a younger officer with a buzzcut called across the room. JJ ignored him. They had already made it clear that they would only respond to “agent” or their name. 

“Sweetie?” he tried again with a teasing, saccharine tone to his voice. JJ pretended not to hear him, underlining a word at random on the paper in front of them, not actually having read any of it, distracted by the low buzz of fury in the base of their skull. Undeterred, he tried again.

“Darlin’?” When JJ ignored him again, he walked over toward them, tucking his thumbs into his belt, the swagger in his step that of a man trying to mark his territory. He came to a stop standing uncomfortably close to JJ, the body heat and smell of sweat radiating off of him making them wrinkle their nose in disgust. Then, he put his hand on their shoulder. “Hey there, beautiful, I’m talking to you, little lady.” 

Something inside of JJ snapped. They were  _ so tired _ of it all: of the condescending tones, the unwanted terms of endearment, the invasion of their personal space, the lack of respect for them and their capabilities. JJ saw red. 

Grabbing the officer’s hand and wrenching it off of their shoulder, JJ was on their feet in a flash, using their leverage to grab his middle finger and bend it backwards toward his wrist until he squealed in pain. They stepped right up into the officer’s personal space, forcing him to stumble back a couple steps.

“It’s not ‘little lady.’ And it’s not ‘miss,’ or ‘ma’am,’ or ‘sweetie,’ or ‘girlie.’ It’s fucking  _ agent _ . Do you understand?” JJ spat in his face. “You will speak to me with the respect I have  _ earned _ , or not at all, got that? 

“Let me get it through your thick skull: you trained for maximum 6 months to get your position. I have two degrees, multiple years of training, and many years of experience in the FBI. I have earned my place here ten times over; no thanks to misogynistic pigs like you. I have been spoken down to, harassed, and belittled, and I’m still here, and fully capable of kicking your ass.

“I am not just some woman for you to objectify. I’m not a woman at all, and if you don’t stop treating me with that condescending fucking attitude, I’m going to…”

“Agent Jareau!” Hotch’s hard voice cut off JJ’s tirade. “With me, outside.” Still fuming, JJ remained rooted in place, glowering at the officer. “ _ Now _ , agent,” Hotch barked. Tearing themselves away, JJ stormed out of the building, past the gaping officers, past Hotch, and out the back door of the precinct into the parking lot behind the building. 

“I hardly need to tell you how inappropriate that conduct was,” Hotch began in a dangerously low voice the second he had shut the door behind him. 

Any other time, JJ would have swallowed their pride, and endured Hotch’s lecture in contrite silence, but with adrenaline and the rage that had been suppressed for far too long still coursing through their veins, JJ rounded on Hotch.

“No,  _ no _ ! You know what was inappropriate? The way they were talking to me! The way you and I and  _ everyone else _ lets these local officers and families talk to me! I am not some pretty, picture-perfect doll that has to lie down and take everyone’s shit, Hotch. I  _ know _ that I connect with people, that people often underestimate me, and we can often use those facts to our advantage during a case, but don’t you dare for a second forget that I am just as qualified as everyone else on the team, and the fact that I  _ care _ and that people see me as a woman doesn’t negate that.

“The way those men were speaking to me in there? That was  _ harassment _ . Plain and simple.”

“While I understand there may have been some...” Hotch was clearly trying to maintain his composure, but JJ wasn’t done. They had almost a decade’s worth of hurt bottled up and burning through their sternum. 

“And if you  _ refuse _ to stand up for me, to do things like introduce all of us with our pronouns and address it when the locals try to flirt with me and imply that I can’t do my  _ job _ ? Well then, dammit, Hotch, I have to do it for myself! I’m not asking for a lot here. I am asking for the  _ bare minimum _ . 

“I am done being sweet and silent and letting people treat me like a piece of meat or a pretty thing to look at, or… whatever the hell they want to project onto me! I am a trained agent, and above all, I am a  _ person _ who should be entitled to take up space and be treated with basic respect.” JJ’s words petered out as they ran out of anger and breath. Panting and trying to regather their thoughts, they braced themselves for the worst.

“I understand that you are frustrated, but that was no way to handle…” Hotch tried once again.

“It hurts me, Hotch.” JJ’s voice was quieter this time. “It takes its toll, every time I have to just stand there and take it. It makes me hate this job sometimes, and it makes me hate the world, and it makes me hate  _ myself _ . Some nights, I get back to the hotel and all I want to do is lie on the floor and scream. There’s only so many times I can ask Emily to put me back together again. It’s not fair to her. At some point, there won’t be enough pieces left to put back together anyways.

“I’ve spent my entire life making myself small and feminine, quiet and palatable, and if I keep trying to do that forever, it might actually kill me someday.” And with that, JJ was done, all of the fire purged from their system. 

“Okay.” Hotch nodded thoughtfully. “This is something we can work on. It’s something we  _ need _ to work on as a team,” he amended quickly. “But in the future, could it be handled without breaking an officer’s finger?” 

JJ managed a weak chuckle at that. “I think I can manage that,” they agreed. 

“I’ll handle the situation.” Hotch nodded back towards the precinct. “Why don’t you take a moment to catch your breath? Take as much time as you need, and you can rejoin us when you’re ready.” JJ nodded, slumping against the cool brick wall as Hotch went back inside.

Now that the conversation was over, JJ realized they were sweating and shaking, palms slick and stomach churning. Everything they had kept inside, every card they had held close to their chest out in the open now. They felt unbearably vulnerable and alone in the all-too-quiet parking lot.

Leaning their head against the rough brick, JJ looked up at the clear blue Alabama sky above as tears of relief started rolling down their face. 

“Hey,” JJ started as Emily’s soft voice jolted them out of their daze. She was rounding the corner of the building. “I heard raised voices, so…”

“How much of that did you hear?” JJ asked quietly, face still turned upward toward the blazing sun overhead.

“Pretty much all of it, I think,” Emily confirmed. “I’m so proud of you, baby.”

“You… What?” That hadn’t been at all what JJ was expecting. They looked down to meet Emily’s eyes, shining with proud tears.

“I am  _ so _ proud of you, Jayje,” Emily repeated, reaching out to wrap JJ in her arms, pressing a kiss to the crown of their head. “I know that can’t have been easy. And yeah, it was a little messy, but...” JJ couldn’t help but laugh at that, pulling Emily down for an easy kiss. Emily held their face in her hands, nuzzling her nose against JJ’s, before moving to rest her forehead against theirs.

“I am so, so proud of you for opening up and standing up for yourself and what you need. You deserve the world, blackbird, and all of the love, respect, and acceptance in it.”


End file.
